Wrestling with Myself

I've been attending a group therapy session for moms raising J-Man-like children. There are 8 of us, and its shaping up to be a very helpful activity. I was a little skeptical at first because I'm not a group person. Those of you who know me, know that I'd rather head off for a quiet weekend alone than spill my guts to a group of strangers. But I think we're all so desperate for someone to understand what our lives are like, that we've started to bond quite quickly. Its a relief to have somewhere to say the really ugly things that you keep swept under the rug and have other people nod their heads in understanding and agreement.

So as a part of this therapy, we've been working on our Internal Working Models. Essentially, how you view yourself and the world, and the expectations of yourself and others that you bring to the party based on your past experiences. We've been spending a lot of time digging through our pasts to try to draw out what makes us respond to our children the way we do. It has left me somewhat raw, but it has also been freeing. In uncovering my motivations, I'm now able to confront them and work toward consciously replacing them with healthy attitudes and responses. I've always been a fairly self aware person (the therapist even said so!) but it turns out that there's a bunch more bubbling under the surface that I hadn't worked through.

Of course, there are several lessons for me to learn here, but I think the main one is that, even in the midst of yuckiness, God intends good for me. I don't think I would have ever worked so hard on myself if it wasn't for the sake of a child. In the long run, I hope to come out of this a healthier, happier person. God is definitely at work!